Putting Your Mother-in-Law Back in the Bumpkin Batch

by Joan E Thurman

2020-9-1. Sooner or later, it comes to down to this, Sisters. During the courting phase of your husband hunt, it will become necessary that you, the prospective wife of a well-favored rich male, demonstrate to his mother and assembled family--that you not only are the most attractive, smartest woman that her son has ever fallen in love with, but also that you are a fine patissier and exceedingly gracious too. A patissier is a baker of unparalleled skill. 

His mom may undertake her plan to humiliate you in casual tones, saying something like Joan E--sweetheart--can I count on you to bring the dessert? Honey? Any old thing will be just fine! You know Maximilian's family are actually very provincial in their tastes, so don't belabor it.  Just bring something sweet. 

In reality, she is handing you a length of rope, and asking you

Joan E, will you please hang yourself from the chandelier after dinner, so we can all look up your dress and cackle about the dark streak on your panties? Over the dining-room table will be just fine, Honey--after we finish dinner of course. I want my son to see for himself what a white-trash skank he once actually considered marrying! Thank you, Honey. It's going to be so wonderful when you're not around for Christmas.

Mmmm. Look at that exquisite naivete!

Don't be surprised if the assembled Warbucks clan turn up their noses at the stale Walmart pumpkin pie and tub of Cool Whip that you had the lack of sense to bring for dessert. That stuff is okay in its place--for pets and homeless men--but purchasing something off-the-rack from--gasp!--Walmart and serving it in a throwaway pie tin?  No way.  

Don't do it! Don't bring a box of candy, a chocolate torte from King Sooper's--or even a $20.00 bottle of after-dinner liquor. For the sake of your own future happiness, don't buy anything from the day-old Hostess outlet!

The only way you'll ever earn the grudging respect of your future-mother-in-law is to make pies from scratch.  Pumpkin pies, of course, for Thanksgiving. That's right, girls!  It's time to shake it and bake it!  Here is a recipe that won't let you or Maximilian down.

His Future Wife's Homemade Pumpkin Pie (with creme topping)
b

Before you begin, consider long and hard whether this Maximilian Warbucks is the one you want to spend your first marriage on, because once your targeted male and his tres chic extended family have tasted your homemade pumpkin

Another Slice of Pie, Max?

pie, there will be no turning back. 

The special creme topping will have him licking the spoon, his plate, and anything else he can lay his tongue to--but that show of affection may have to wait until he has helped his mother to tidy up the after-dinner mess--at your insistence that he help his mother. Of course, if the family has servants, you may proceed directly to the latter licking. 

But first, we must bake.  Put on your aprons, ladies.

Filling Ingredients

For one pie 8 ounces pumpkin 1/2 cup white sugar 1/4 cup brown sugar 1 cup whole mile 1/2 cup whole cream 1 beaten egg 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 1/4 teaspoon cloves 1/4 teaspoon ginger

. . . but you'd better make two! 16 ounces pumpkin 1 cup white sugar 1/2 cup brown sugar 2 cup whole mile 1 cup whole cream 2 beaten eggs 1 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon cloves 1/2 teaspoon ginger

To Prepare the Pies

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
2. Using an electric blender, blend the ingredients together until the pie filling has a smooth, fluffy consistency.
3. Spoon the filling into pies shells of your choice (these needn't be homemade--get them from a gourmet bake shop, and they'll never know the difference).
4. Bake the pies at 425 degrees for fifteen minutes. Turn the heat down to 325 degrees, and let them bake for another half-hour.

Creme Topping

This topping must be whipped up as near to serving time as possible. You may want to whip it before he picks you up for the gathering.  Far better

though is to wait until dinner is finished. Keep the ingredients cold by commandeering the family fridge. 

This will give you and your future mother-in-law some bonding time in the kitchen. Be extra-careful not to get his mother's hair caught in the electric mixer. Nobody like hair in their creme topping. 

Topping Ingredients

• 16 ounces chilled whipping cream
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 4 ounces powdered sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

To Prepare the Topping

• Using an electric blender, whip the dickens out of combined ingredients--just as you would enjoy doing to his smirking, ten-year-old brother with the very dirty juvenile mind--until the topping takes on a cloud-like texture. 
•  Keep the product very cold. 
•  Spoon generous dollops of this creamy confection on top of piece slices, or alongside as desired.

This Bears Repeating Because
Mothers-in-Law Can Be Devious

When the matriarch of an elite family plans in advance to humiliate you, asking so nicely, Joan E--sweetheart--can you to bring the dessert?  Any old thing will be just fine!  Just bring something sweet--like yourself. 

She is handing you a length of rope, and really asking you Joan E, will you please hang yourself from the chandelier after dinner, so we can all look up your dress and make bawdy jokes about the dark streak on your panties? Over the dining-room table will be just fine, Honey--after we finish dinner of course.  I want my son to see for himself what a careless whore he once used to know. Thank you, honey. It's going to be so wonderful when you're not around for Christmas.

Sumptuous Pumpkin Pie will shut that bitch's pie-hole, and put you firmly in control. To let her know that's she not even a good liar, don't forget to send her a hand-written thank you note.  Then follow up continually, by sending her one of those monthly gifts to remind her of you and keep her on last nerve until next year--something like, mmm, one of those Harry and David monthly baskets of fruit for disgraceful mother in laws.   

Please don't breathe a word about any of this, not even to cuddlesome Maximillian. To a young woman of your caliber, grace is de rigeur, no matter how off-base the old battle-axe has been.  This time next year, they'll be having the holidays at your place--a beautiful home given to you as a wedding gift from your inlaws.

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