by Joan E Thurman
2013-10-20. Face it, all you female CEO's. Being top executive in an industry dominated by men whose family ownership of major corporations goes back for generations has its advantages and its disadvantages. You've earned your position through precise knowledge of the business, including all its screw-ups and cover-ups, too.
This has won you respect from the booze-soaked old boys in a global economy they no longer understand. They're a bunch of rich dopes. They know it, and made you their CEO, but that doesn't stop them from categorizing you with the hookers on Tenth Avenue when the deal calls for a little sumpin'-sumpfin' to land a big account.
Their account acquisition list is topped by a divorced good ol' boy from Texas--Earl Dukes--whose daddy left him properties pumping out a half-million barrels a day. He had scratched your firm off the list until he got an eyeful of you. Then he unscratched it fast, and put the squeeze on your good old boys for a private dinner with the CEO. "That just
might cinch the deal" he drawls.
"I heard tell that she's a your-a-peein'-trained chef in addition to being the Oil Industry's purtiest CEO." Earl declares an agreement that tucks his company and yours into bed together for a long, profitable relationship
Any divorced man with unlimited cash, institutional-size portfolio, and an 8-figure income who squeezes your Board of Drunkards for a night alone with you is not coming over for the food. The old boys know what he needs. Your associates are more than willing to whore you out for the potential billions it will bring. I mean frankly, you know all about it: it could profit them billions over time.
For a bonus payment of eight figures--of course you'll cooperate. You already have the menu laid out--chicken breast in a creme sauce, asparagus, and cassoulet en brioche--real high cuisine. What's that last one? Kind of like pigs in a blanket.
Now that Texas oil-man has given a lot of thought to your breasts covered in cream. The words ho cuisine started his Adam's-apple bobbing like a basketball. He wants the haut, he needs the haut, but he shows up at your apartment with a puny case of champagne.
"Well thank you Mr. Earl Dukes," you say, brandishing a bottle of upper-drawer brandy from the case you've purchased for the occasion. "But I'm not drinking bubbly tonight." Midway through the first fifth, he's happy that the breasts turned out to be chicken. Fact, they's mighty tasty! But he sure is looking forward to that haut cuisine.
My dear Earl, you say, once you get me sufficiently intoxicated," I'm gonna serve you a hunk of rabbit pie like I did in high school. We called it hare pie, and the boys would eat it all night long.
That brings a smile to his face. Hair pie! That's what he's been waiting fer.
You lead him into the bedroom, lights already dimmed, lay him on the bed, and pull off his boots. "I don't want you going nowhere." You disappear into the bath, and reappear quickly with some toys. Unbeknown to rich old Tex, you have a girl made up exactly like you in the bathroom, waiting for your cue. She's the one who returns from the bathroom laden with sexual merchandise.
She was one of the sexual torture victims that you liberated from the Old Boys' Club, and tonight for the low fee of $5000, she'll pretend to be you, and give drunk old Tex the rodeo love he's been pining for. You instruct her to start out with a long slow horseback ride, using the client's face as her saddle. Once she has ridden him out for a few miles, the affair is in her hands. There is a bottle of Bourbon by the bed, and you instruct her to slake her little pony's thirst by giving him plenty to drink.
The spoiled old buzzard has the time of his life, you earn your eight-figure bonus, and even the Board of Directors can't figure out how you managed to swing it. You tell them he liked your cooking.
Ingredients
2 cups heavy cream
1 Cup Sauternes Wine
Note: Sauternes is a wine grown at and near the village of Sauternes, on the left bank of the Garonne, some distance above Bordeaux--not some poisonous swill labeled "cooking wine" at Walmart.
- 1 Cup Cooked Mushrooms
- 4 oz. diced Ham Steak
- 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
- 1 teaspoon crumbled rosemary
- 1/2 stick butter
- Salt and Pepper
- White Seedless Grapes
- 2 oz flour
Pre-Coronary Procedures
1. Saute your split, boned chicken breasts in butter until golden-brown.
2. Remove the chicken and set aside. Do not discard the butter and crumbles left in frying pan.
3. Add the half-stick of butter to the pan, and allow it to melt.
4. Stir in the 2 oz flour and let the mixture bubble for three minutes.
5. Stir in the Sauterne wine, heavy cream, Worcestershire sauce, rosemary, salt and pepper.
6. Place the browned chicken breasts in a casserole, sprinkle on the mushrooms and diced ham.
7. Pour your sauce over all and bake in the casserole dish, tightly covered.
8. Bake in a 325 degree oven for 45 minutes.
9. Remove the cover of the casserole dish and sprinkle a cup of halved, seedless grapes.
10. Return to the over, uncovered for an additional 10 minutes.
11. Serve on a bed of wild rice.
12. Be sure to have the phone number for the closest ambulance service handy--especially if you are planning a dessert like the one I arranged for Tex.
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